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20 November 2008
IS FAMILY RESPONCIBLE FOR ALL SOCIAL PROBLEMS? A SCHOOL FOR PARENTS
THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
Almost all social problems have their roots to an inappropriate, dysfunctional
family environment, especially in early childhood. So, a bad family environment
can lead to a negative personal behavior such as taking drugs, becoming alcoholic,
becoming a gang member, being aggressive, offensive and abusive. Also a dysfunctional
family can lead a person bullying, harassing and patronizing the others, having
marriage problems (and increasing the risk of a divorce), having sexual and
psychological problems, being aggressive with his/her children or mate or
the others and also choosing an aggressive hobby (e.g. kick boxing), occupation
(e.g. riot police, army), political idea (e.g. anarchist) or even music (e.g.
heavy metal) and so on.
To put it in a nutshell, family affects people whole personality which would
be different in a different family. It affects everything, from clothing (e.g.
clothing like a gang member), to choosing a sexual partner (e.g. a man finds
on an older woman a substitutive to his mother) and also affects sexual behavior
(e.g. being aggressive in sex or changing partners or being homosexual) and
relationship with the other (e.g. being aggressive or manipulative). Also,
teenagers may use their appearance to react to their parents e.g. boys wearing
earrings, boys and girls piercing their body (especially sexual parts) etc.
Reactionary behavior to a dysfunctional family also explains why many enjoy
watching violent scenes on TV movies or computer/video games or internet sites
such as ‘YouTube’. Enjoying violence is a subconscious punishment of the parents
that abused or neglected them. But this is an indirect punishment. The person
watches the ‘punishment’ (namely a violent scene) instead of punishing his
parents.
Psychoanalysis intones that a negative environment in early childhood is essential
for developing people’s character and behavior. Whether Fraud was right or
not (his notions are not at all ‘evidence based medicine’), it is a fact that
great importance for boys has their relationship with their mother and for
girls their relationship with their father. However, to my mind, behavior
of both parents may be important as well.
Many parents are abusive and offensive. Other doesn’t pay attention on their
children needs, namely neglect and ignore them. Most do not communicate well
with their children about their problems. Many fathers just bring money to
home and do not pay attention to their children needs, namely neglecting them.
Other become ‘friends’ with their children, without realizing that it is impossible
to be a buddy and a parent simultaneously.
Many people have superiority or inferiority syndrome. People with superiority
syndrome enjoy showing off themselves and also abusing, bullying and degrading
the others in order to feel better. For example a macho man or a touch guy
perhaps wants subconsciously to show women (or his friends) that he is better
than other men, although he subconsciously feels inferior. Superiority and
inferiority syndrome are actually two sides of the same coin. Many react with
superiority syndrome, however they feel inferior.
People with inferiority syndrome enjoy degrading and humiliating themselves
in order to punish themselves and actually punishing their bad parents. This
attitude is a subconscious punishment of the bad parents. These people usually
were criticized and degraded by their parent (or both parents) who ignored
or abused or neglected them during their childhood. Notwithstanding, some
spoiled kids in order to fulfill the unfulfilled expectations of their parents
develop a superiority syndrome. So the superiority syndrome generates to their
parents expectations. However, society norms intone ‘to be the best, or die
with the rest’. Namely, society throws ‘losers’ to the garbage.
Many people feel insecure. However, their insecurity originates to their relationship
with their parents and in how secure family environment they raised. Some
kids join a gang in order to find the protection that their family didn’t
offer. There enjoy bullying other kids, becoming petty thefts and acting violent.
They just subconsciously punish their parents that abused or neglected them.
However, in modern multicultural societies another problem that increases
delinquency is that many social groups (e.g. black, Latinos and immigrants)
grow up in ghettos where they learn antisocial behaviors such as drug dealing
and gang fighting. The problem is sociological. Western societies claim they
are not racists, however specific groups are confined in ghettos in which
they learn antisocial behavior from their early childhood and many kids become
gang members.
Western society is indeed racist and characteristically on TV (e.g. news broadcast)
or on the cinema movies minorities (black, Latinos, immigrants) are excluded
or if not they are appeared as gangs (e.g. on cinema). Also, in many areas
minorities are excluded e.g. there are a low proportion of doctors or scientists
or even actors that belong to minorities. After all in their ghettos minorities
learn to prefer easy money e.g. from stealing or drug dealing or prostitution,
than going to school and continue their education to college or university.
Moreover, western society uses immigrants to exploit them as cheep working
hands, often with low salary without insurance. In developing countries natives
are exploited by big companies of western countries, and work like slaves
with very low wages without any insurance. Even children are exploited.
In this text, some rules are emphasized that a family has to follow in order
the relationship between family members to be good enough (and functional)
and following an appropriate attitude to avoid having children with tantrum
and frustration. These children will sooner or later become aggressive, bullying
in school, taking part on gangs, taking drugs or alcohol, being aggressive
and abusive with their girl or boy friend, changing jobs one after the other
(because e.g. they never learned the meaning of tem work) and so on.
This text emphasizes on the family rules and it follows a behaviorist approach.
However, it is said that in psychology the best approach is cognitive – behaviorist.
To my mind, the best approach to any psychological or behavioral problem is
the combination of psychoanalysis with cognitive and behaviorist theory. It
is essential not only for the family to follow some rules, but firstly to
understand which are the real and deep reasons of a specific behavior and
this can be done by analysis.
A parent that is abusive or neglecting his /her children may have been abused
or neglected his/her self by his/her own parents. Realizing and analyzing
the reasons of a behavior is essential. This is the reason why people with
divorced parents usually end up their own marriage with a divorce.
Furthermore, parents have to realize that children react to their (e.g. abuse
or neglecting) with a negative reactive behavior which is used in order to
seek the parents attention. This behavior is sometimes childish or other times
aggressive. Children (even babies) tend to be very manipulative. However,
parents tend too. Generally, in our society we all are manipulative.
Following a combinative approach of analysis and cognitive – behaviorist theory,
first comes the question ‘why I act with that behavior’. However, psychoanalysis
isn’t a method that anyone can follow and this is a disadvantage of this method.
Furthermore, there is a debate about if it is effectiveness. It is not ‘evidence
based medicine’ at all, as most of the rest psychological approaches.
Analysis is never adequate enough by its own. After analyzing, a cognitive
approach has to follow in order the person to have insight of the deep reasons
of a specific behavior. Last, the behaviorist approach includes specific changes
on behavior and attitude that help dealing with the problem.
It is important not just to follow some family rules, because the family members
after 1 week will return to their old bad attitude. Important in medicine
is to prove the effectiveness in several ‘follow up’ and especially after
years. The ‘gold standard’ for better family relationships is the approach
of combining analysis with cognitive and behaviorist theory, namely to make
the person ask his/her self ‘why I behave like that’ (and if my relationship
with my parents during my childhood can explain my negative behavior), to
understand the deep and real reasons of his/her behavior and to change the
behavior in order to improve his/her relationship with the others, especially
his/her own family. Ideal it would be if the whole family sustained family
–group therapy.
So, a specialized ‘family’ psychologist following this approach would help
enormously a dysfunctional family, as a ‘family therapist’ (a subspecialty
that I am not aware if it exists). However it is important the behavior changes
to start when children are young, because when a family is dysfunctional then
it is difficult to change a frustrated and with tantrum teenager. Another
problem is that when family problems are chronic then parents become strict
like a wall and are very reactionary to a therapist (subconsciously thinking
that the therapist suggest that they are bad parents). So do children with
a bad behavior for many years may be ‘addictive’ to it and as a consequence
are reactive to therapy. Parents hold the key of the therapy, and the way
they are strict to the psychologist’s rules and their improved behavior will
make the therapy effective. However, it would be ideal if their own parents
participated to family – group therapy, because family problems tend to perpetuate.
The combination of analysis – cognitive – behaviorist approach can include
not only a family, but in generally everyone, in any age, privately or in
group therapy. The combination therapy can be applied to anyone who has psychological/
behavioral problem (e.g. excessive stress or insomnia) and/or relationship
problems with his/her mate or the others and generally in anyone who faces
problems that influence his/her life quality. It’s also important for couples
with problems to undertake counseling by a marriage psychologist, because
when parents are fighting all the time, then tension worsens things.
In case parents can’t deal with their marriage problems, then a divorce is
better than perpetuating a negative behavior in family. However, many parents
are vicious and during a divorce say terrible things at the court or use their
kids as tennis balls to take revenge from their previous beloved. So, even
in case of a divorce, always a child psychologist must help the destroyed
family, especially children, to deal with it, with the better way, because
a divorce is on its own a reason for frustrated kids. But usually problems
start years before the divorce…
Today abuse in family is a great problem that does not affect only children
or women, but also elderly members and pregnant. Doctors in hospitals face
abuse as a routine… Violence is perpetuated, and children with tantrum and
frustration for their abusive or neglecting parents tend to be abusive or
neglecting on their own family and in general. Violence characterizes our
society. But it must be realized that it roots is dysfunctional families.
It is not a coincidence that children and teens ‘play’ with videogames and
computer games with excessive violence. So a ‘kill them all’ norm develops.
They psycho dynamically ‘kill’ their parents. Also in school the first thing
frustrated kids do is bullying and harassing other kids and taking part in
gangs. A gang is a substitution of a family that the kid never had. Later
the teenager with frustration and tantrum seeks drugs or alcohol in order
to forget his/her problems. Today a great proportion of society uses alcohol
(and is addicted to it) to forget its psychological or family problems. It’s
a way of flying and not fighting the problems.
Drugs, alcohol and other substitutes (such as psychiatric drugs) of misuse,
are addictive and are used from people to forget and fly from their problems.
However, a relationship with a person may be a substitute and sometimes not
only a aggressive behavior, but also a excessive jealous (sometimes alcohol
related) or when ‘love’ becomes an addiction, then in case of a rejection
the mate (usually man) reacts with violence. This shows that as a kid may
faced rejection his/her own by his/her parents, so he/she can’t tolerate rejection.
The same happens with women who change continually partners. Furthermore,
an abused or rejected by her parents woman is easier to become a prostitute
and humiliating her body is a kind of subconscious punishment of her (usually)
bad father.
Generally, a good relationship of a man with his mother (especially during
his childhood) ensures his good relationships with women. The same happens
with a good relationship of a woman with her father. So in order to ensure
that a marriage will not end up to a divorce, people have to consider that
a risk factor is a bad relationship of their mate with his/her mother and/or
father and also if his/her parents were divorced. Both partners with not good
family relationships on their childhood have a risk of splitting.
Many parents don’t interest about the (sexual) behavior of their teenagers
and for example let their daughter go for a date or to a party or hang out
with her friends and return many hours after midnight without even making
a phone call. On the contrary, other parents ‘castrate’ their teenagers (especially
girls) by banning them having a sexual relationship until they become 18.
The states also ban sex, some under 18 and others under 16 years old. So,
in the USA and many other countries sex with a minor means prosecution by
the police! It’s unbelievable that even sex with a person on same age is under
prosecution, even if the couple had not any problem, but the parents did.
Namely, a minor sexual partner is jail bait!
However, sex with a minor isn’t always rape. The important is that parents
control their teenagers sexual life many times with a oppressive way, so it
can be considered as a kind of ‘psychosexual abuse’ (term that I prefer).
Many times parents oppress their children’s sexual needs. Sometimes this can
be done directly (e.g. a mother that dresses her boy with girls clothes),
but usually is done indirectly. Controlling the sexual life of their teenager
is a way. An example is when father is controlling his daughter’s sexual life
and improves or disapproves her boyfriends or restrict her in the house and
doesn’t let her go for a date.
Another example is when parents (usually fathers) kick their son or daughter
out from their house when they learn that are homosexual. Many homosexuals
were grown up in a family in which abuse or neglect or ignorance replaced
love. However things are more complicated, because homosexuality is something
usual in nature, in mammals (such as Bonobos monkeys, but also dogs, cats,
lions etc.), sea species (e.g. dolphins) and insects (e.g. vinegar fly) etc.
Also it is characteristic in ancient societies with different norms (e.g.
ancient Greece or ancient Mesopotamia).
In modern society free sex is a norm. Sexual messages come from everywhere:
on commercials on TV, on video/ computer games, on internet sites, on movies
on TV or cinema etc. People get addicted to sexual graphic pictures from their
early childhood! However, I think that people make less love than their ancestors,
or at least enjoy less when they make love. After all, narcissism has invaded
sexual relationships as well, and many use their cell phone video camera to
take scenes when they make love and show their friends or upload them on the
internet!
Returning to homosexuality, to my mind, the sexual pattern in the brain of
all kinds in nature has to do only with penetration without distinguishing
if the partner is male or female. In nature distinguishing is usually done
with ways such as smelling (e.g. pheromones), colors (e.g. birds) and other
ways. However all can see for example dogs that can’t limit their sexual behavior
only to female dogs, but to males as well, by humping them. Tomcats act with
this way as well (and are also pedophilic!). People who own dogs or cats know
it well. However in human kind things are complicated. Whether homosexuality
is a normal behavior (that we meet widely in nature) or not, parental behavior
plays a significant role for sure and it increases or discourages homosexual
trends. Psycho dynamically, homosexuality is a reactive behavior to parents
and especially to mother for gays and to father for lesbians. However, to
my mind, both parents play role by accepting or not this kind of behavior
which is many times reactionary (in addition to an already trend) to parents
that neglected or abused or just ignored their child.
Another subconscious reaction to a dysfunctional family is someone to strike
or kill someone else, to be abusive in his/her own family, to like changing
sexual partners and be aggressive (or overly receptive or sadist or masochist)
in sex, to be violent with the others, to join a gang, to enjoy watching violent/graphic
scenes on TV or ‘you tube’ on the internet or on cinema movies etc. Many people
can’t control their anger which also usually, if analyzed, originates to a
dysfunctional family. Controlling anger is something that many psychologist
and psychiatrists spend time to teach in a great proportion of their patients
(I don’t prefer the term ‘clients’).
Someone with unconscious tantrum and frustration for his/her parents can kill
someone else even for a trivial reason such as when trying to park at the
same place that someone else chose first, or during an argument with someone
in a bus or on the road. A person who has never learned to control his/her
anger, because his/her own parent or parents never did) has a trend to react
violent, even for a minor reason.
The norms of society today unfortunately intone aggressiveness (e.g. in family,
on TV movies and in computer games that children play) and the reason of it
is dysfunctional families. However, a capitalistic society that intones only
gaining money has to be considered as a contributing reason.
Today 50% of families end up to a divorce perpetuating violence from frustrated
and with tantrum children. Also, almost 70 – 80% of mates cheat their spouse
(especially many years after the starting of their relationship). It is also
said that 7 years after a marriage mates make love only once monthly. In most
families there is a tension between the members. Also, many parents (perhaps
the vast majority) are abusive or neglecting their children. Furthermore,
almost all psychiatric and psychological problems are originated or at least
have a background of a dysfunctional family. After all, family is society’s
cell. A destroyed dysfunctional family means a destroyed and dysfunctional
society.
The main problems are abuse and/or neglecting. However an overprotective family
(usually at only children and first or last born child) creates family depended
people that can’t deal with real life’s problems (e.g. on their job or relationships
or marriage).
In this text there are some rules family members have to follow in order to
improve their relationships. Parents must be strict to family rules, but not
abusive. The ‘gold standard’ for parents is not only to really love their
children, but to show it as well…
WHAT PARENTS DO WRONG (5 CATEGORIES OF ABUSE AND 4 CATEGORIES OF NEGLECT)
• Physical abuse (including non accidental injury- NAI) includes any physical
injury (including poisoning), even minor, caused deliberately or deliberately
not prevented.
• Emotional abuse such as constant criticism, threats, rejection and withholding
love, support or guidance. It often coexists with other kinds of abuse.
• Sexual abuse by an adult or young person.
• Neglect is failure to provide the children basic needs and there are 4 categories
of neglect:
A) Physical neglect such as inadequate food, clothing, shelter or safe environment.
B) Emotional neglect, namely inattention to the child's emotional needs.
C) Educational neglect which is persistence absence from school without serious
reason.
D) Medical neglect which is failure to seek or refusal of required treatment.
• Fabricated or induced illness by parents to the child (such as ‘Munchausen
syndrome’).
Many
of the above categories of abuse often co-exist.
FAMILY RULES
• Parents must always explain their children why they punish them. Before
they punish them, they must always worn them once with a steady tone (not
shouting) not to behave with a specific unacceptable manner. It is better
to sit on their same level with the kid because a standing parent who is raising
his finger is like a giant for a little kid and just frightens it instead
of admonishing it. In case the child continues to acts with an unacceptable
way despite its parent’s 1 time warning, then it has to be punished by imposing
it taking e.g. 5 minutes (using a stop watch – alarm) time out, staying in
a specific place such a special room or chair or special rug. The parent will
hold the time alarm and shouldn’t give it at the kid. Other alternatives are
to take one of its beloved toys and put it at a special box or to cancel one
of its privileges such as taking part to sport, or watching a movie on cinema
or by decreasing time of playing videogames or watching TV or surfing on the
internet. Also a punishment is locking their cookies or lollypops in a cupboard
etc.
Time out has to be 1 minute for each year the child is old, e.g. 3 minutes for a 3 years old child. Parents have to just leave the kid at the time out place and immediately leave until the time out ends. When the parents put a kid to the time out place they should explain the reason they gave it a time out. Time out has the meaning of giving time to the kid to think about its unacceptable behavior and also to give time to a very angry kid to calm down. Parents should not talk to the kid during the time out and not negotiate, but just leave the kid alone. If the kid removes from the time out place then the parent (without talking to the kid) has to place it back at the time out special place and if it does it again then again the parent should put it back again.
After the time out the kid has to say clearly sorry to its parent for its unacceptable behavior. After the kid says sorry the parent should give it a hug and say that it’s sorry is accepted. Time out without warning and time outs with preventive purpose or adding minutes on a time out that already took place are all unacceptable. Time out is a method that even a 3 years old kid can take, as soon as the kid understands the rules and the punishment of an unacceptable behavior in case it doesn’t follow the rules.
Parents must never use abusive kind of punishment such hitting and striking or shaking the kids, shouting them, locking them in their rooms etc. Also, parents have to be strict imposing the above punishment and don’t give up to a kid’s manipulation such as cries, screams etc.
However children must always have a rewarding system when they do something positive such as helping cleaning the house, being polite, studding their homework, not acting with an unacceptable manner etc. The rewording may be returning a toy that was taken for punishment or by allowing to go with friends for a sport game or to the movies or watching TV or surfing on the internet (in case there was a punishment restriction), putting some coins in a money box and so on. Parents must always punish an unacceptable behavior, but also should not forget to congratulate and thank a child for a positive behavior and thank it for not behaving with an unacceptable manner. There are many rewarding methods. One rewarding method is the kid to earn a ‘star’ that means to gain or regain a privilege (e.g. to watch 30 min TV).
There are many rewarding boards that parents can find in special books (such the one’s recommended below) however parents can make their own rewarding board. Parents can draw a paper board or buy it from special shops. For example a rewarding board can be a castle with several steps leading to its entrance. A princess or prince doll or a star (symbolizing the specific kid) is placed at the first step leading to the castle. With any positive action of the kid parents should place the doll or stare one step above and with any negative behavior of the kid to place the doll or star one step down. When the kid climbs all the steps then it should have a reward. The same style board can be done with a fire brigade ladder and a fireman doll (symbolizing the kid) ascending the ladder is placed at the beginning of the ladder. The fire brigade board is better for boys and the castle better for girls. However many boards are unisex, e.g. the ones with stars.
Rewarding
is equally important to punishment and punishment will not work without rewarding
positive behavior. Even when parents have a conversation with a child they
should not forget to thank it for expressing its own point of view.
• Parents must treat all children the same way and never treat different a
child (this usually happens with boys, or with first or last born children).
They should never discriminate between our children and never say that a child
is better from the others. Punishment has to be equal in all children. Later
in life, siblings will hate each other and their parents in case there was
discrimination and their parents paid attention to a specific child, neglecting
the other. This is a reason why a bad relationship between brothers may end
up to a murder.
• Many times a kid is jealous of its sibling (especially if its sibling is baby) because it is afraid that it will steal all the love of its mothers. So the kid tries to attract its mothers attention with any kind of behavior such as making her to sleep together in the night, or by grabbing her from her legs to caress it, or by annoying its siblings etc. Parents should always treat the same to all their children regardless their age. Children understand even the minor difference on their parents’ behavior. Many kids feel hostility for their sibling if it constantly seeks its parents attention in order to take its parents love on its own and not share it with its siblings. Parents should pay the same attention to all of their children. They should play with all their kids and there are many ways to play as a team with their kids such as home table games, sports or go out with their kids to a Luna or theme park, to a park , to the zoo, to the movies, to a playground, go for a walk to Thames etc.
• When parents impose a rule they use a steady voice and with a command tone,
and not a question (they should not say ‘do you think is better to do...?’).
• Parents should respect their children and speak them with respect and not
abruptly and impolite saying words such as ‘don’t do it’, ‘get out’, ‘shut
up’ etc.
• In case children have behavioral problems (aggressiveness, social isolation,
suspicion of taking drugs etc.) parents should ask help from an expert (child
psychologist or child psychiatrist). Behavioral problems are rare in a family
with health relationships between its members. It’s unacceptable for parents
to hand over their teenager who is taking drugs to the police (to be imprisoned)
instead of asking help from a child psychiatrist or child psychologist. Parents
should also ask an expert to help them with the sexual education of teenagers.
Many teenage women end up single with a baby because they totally ignored
contraception. Also, many teenagers ignore safe sex. Teenage boys usually
react to an unexpected pregnancy by abandoning their mate! Sexual education
lessons in school are helpful, however parents need to do their own sexual
education and do not let their teenagers being educated (usually wrongly)
by their peers or stupid magazines…
• Parents should learn to listen to their children’s opinion and point of
view and their problems. When they talk with their children they must not
interrupt them or impose their opinion. Today, a common problem that children
and teenagers (and also adults) report is that the communication with their
parents is poor. Many parents use money to replace and ‘buy’ communication
and love with their children.
• Many parents claim they have not time to stay with their kids. However a good quality of relationship can replace a poor quantity of time spending with the kids.
• Parents should avoid labeling kids about their character they think they
have or they have invented e.g. –‘this kid is a politician because he is good
at speech’. Parents should also avoid using stereotypes and prejudices because
many people use stereotyping and bias that they learned from their own family.
• Fathers must avoid encouraging aggressiveness on their boys e.g. with aggressive sports and games, wrestling with their siblings etc. Parents should avoid having video – computer games in home because kids become addictive to violence. Always they should supervise their kids for violence and sex in all the programs that children watch on TV or in the sites they serf on the internet. Parents should avoid permitting their children watching TV or surfing on the internet more than 1 hour. They should not use TV or internet or computer games as a baby sitter.
• Parents should avoid imposing their children to fulfill their own expectation
and unfulfilled dreams e.g. it is good for a teenager has to choose to study
medicine in order to help people and not just to fulfill the unfulfilled dream
of his/her parents.
• Any kind of aggressiveness between siblings is unacceptable.
• Many kids enjoy staying babies and for example they sleep with their parents in night or use a feeding bottle or are still suckling or using nappies etc. Kids (according to the family pediatrician’s opinion) need to be encouraged by their parents to wean from the above trends e.g. at 3 years old.
• Siblings have to participate at games and sports and no one must be excluded.
Parents should encourage team work with games such as table games and sports.
They should encourage collaboration and cooperation and discourage competition
and aggressiveness (especially between boys). Competition is unfortunately
something that characterizes modern societies. Contrary, teamwork is essential
in working relationships (e.g. for hospital staff). Parents have first to
agree as a couple (especially on the way they raise their children), not to
be competitive and also they have to play as a team. Actually behavior (end
generally social norms) is taught from parents.
• Children should help mother with house cleaning, they should tide their bed room, help washing dishes, sweeping and wiping the floor etc. Parents should always reward their help on house tiding e.g. saying ‘bravo’ or ‘thank you’.
• Instead children watching TV or surfing on the internet for hours, they
should encouraged to play with sport games, table intellectual games (such
as monopole or puzzle or ‘trivial pursuit’), help mother make cakes etc.
• Parents should sit down and talk with their children about what is bothering them and encourage them to express their feelings. They can use a video camera and every kid separately can express its feelings alone in a room and after all the family to gather and watch the videos and discuss them.
• Parents should not give up at not keeping the rules under children’s manipulation
with fake cries or aggressiveness.
• Any aggressive or neglecting or rejecting or criticizing or ignoring behavior to the children by their parents is unacceptable. Otherwise children will be miserable and frustrated and with aggressiveness and being naughty will seek their parent’s attention.
• Parents should avoid giving snacks and cookies all the time to your children
because an unhealthy diet in the future ends up in many problems such as obesity,
diabetes, coronary heart disease etc. Children should eat at family’s table
and not at their room or at the sofa in front of the TV. The meals have to
be ordinary and timetable programmed such as breakfast, lunch, dinner and
intermediate small meals. Children have to be encouraged eating healthy foods,
avoiding prepared foods full with sugar, salt and trans saturated fats that
cause hypertension, hyperlipidaemia (increased lipids such as cholesterol)
and in the future cause diabetes and coronary heart disease and obesity. These
diseases originate to unhealthy diet in childhood that perpetuates in adulthood.
Children shouldn’t eat all the time.
• Children have to learn to respect their sibling’s things. They also have
to learn to share their things (e.g. toys) with their siblings and not to
be possessive. Sharing is something that parents neglect encouraging, however
when children grow up it will be difficult for them to share and they will
be selfish.
• Parents have to ask sorry if their behavior to a child is inappropriate:
–‘I want to ask sorry about the mistakes I did and the wrong way I treated
you’.
• Sometimes parents may too take a time out in case their behavior is inappropriate (e.g. if swearing)!
• Parents should avoid being apathetic and ignore their children’s inappropriate
behavior. Disrespectful behavior of a child if not corrected, continues to
school and in whole life.
• Many times children use negative behavior to attract their parent’s attention. Children (even babies) tend to be excellent manipulators!
• Before a child is punished for an inappropriate behavior must always has to be warned before –‘Please don’t do it because you will take a time out’. Parents should worn it with steady voice and avoid screaming, yelling and swearing.
• Many times father or step father neglects his children. He just brings money
in home but is absent from children’s raising, ignoring them. Many step mothers
neglect their step children as well.
• Relationship problems between parents influence family’s serenity.
• The phrase ‘I hate you’, said from a child to its parent or the opposite
is unacceptable. Parents should pay attention to rebuilding their relationship
with their kids.
• Parents should not negotiate with a child for its punishment. They should be strict to the rules and avoid negotiating. They should show zero tolerance for an unacceptable behavior.
• Parents should avoid spoiling their children. They should also avoid buying their love with gifts and/or money.
• Parents who are aggressive or neglect their kids or have bad relationship
as a couple has a negative influence on their kids.
• Parents should raise their children and not just spending the day with them. Parents are not friends, but parents. Children do not need their parents to be friends because it already has friends.
• Dinner time is an occasion for all family to spend together in the dining
room. Family members should sit down to the dinner table all together and
all the members help on dinner serving and on washing the dishes and cleaning
the table after the dinner. Mother is not a servant to do everything herself.
• Parents should not swear. Kids learn to swear by their own parents that swear. A parent who swears will take a time out as well! Any vulgar expression by parents or kids is unacceptable.
• Sometimes it is better parents to ignore their children’s outburst.
• When parents scream and are aggressive they give the worst example to their
kids.
• Parents should avoid bribing children with snacks, money, TV or other mean
in order to buy their serenity.
• Parents should avoid continuous criticizing their children (or their mate) because criticizing creates negative feelings. Kids raised in a family with criticism tend to use it as well when they grow up.
• Family members should respect each other. After all they are a team. They
should talk with respect and hear each other without interrupting. They should
avoid speaking continuously without listening.
• Everyone should sleep on his/her bed. Parents should avoid permitting their children sleeping with them, even they are babies! If a kid can’t sleep and wants to sleep with its parents then its mother has to place it back to its bed (in its own bedroom) and say ‘now it is time for sleep’. If the kid comes out of its bedroom the mother should put it again on its bed saying ‘time for sleep’. If the kid continues to come out of its room seeking its mother’s attention, then the mother should place it again back on its bed without saying anything. If mother begins a dialogue with the kid then she is falling on its trap and she is manipulated… The first night mother will place the kid back on its bed several times and will hear it crying all the time. The second and the following nights things will become easier and in a few days the kid will sleep alone. It’s unacceptable for the parents to sleep with the kid or the parents to separate and the mother to sleep with the kid and the father at the couch in the living room.
• Children shouldn’t have a TV set in their bedroom. Parents as well. A TV
set should only be on the living room. Children should watch no more than
1 hour TV.
• Kids tend to copy their father’s abusive or aggressive or disrespectful behavior against their mother and in the future tend to act to their mate the way their father acted to their mother.
• A parent who is mental ill need special counseling and should never be left to raise his/her children without being assessed if he/is capable of being a reliable parent. Social services have to intervene soon and assess the parent’s capability. Furthermore, families with problems such as abusing and neglecting (or even poor families that can satisfy even the essential needs of their children or make them begging on the road) have always to be assessed by social services. Neighbors, friends and relatives need to help the problematic families and report them to the district social services. Usually kinds raised in dysfunctional families tend to follow antisocial behavior such as taking drugs, being gang members, being petty thefts, becoming alcoholics, abusing or neglecting their own children or mates etc. So the proportion of dysfunctional families is an index of increasing delinquency in society. However in a capitalistic society where money is everything doesn’t offer any moral value, but values only money.
• Very important is a family to have a strict routine daily timetable e.g.
7am waking up (& tiding the bed), 7.15 am breakfast (all together), 8
am arrive to school, 16 pm return from school, 16 pm to 17 pm study homework,
17 to 18 pm help cleaning the house, 18 pm dinner (all together at the dining
room), 18.30 to 20.30 pm games (table games, sport etc.), 20.30 to 21 pm watch
TV, 21.15 pm get ready for bedroom (brush teeth etc.), 21.30 pm sleep (usually
parents read a story tale to the kid). The daily schedule must include time
for tiding the house and time for playing. Timetable has to be strict. With
this program kids avoid watching excessively TV or playing videogames or eating
all the time.
• Minors shouldn’t have their PC or laptop in their bedroom, but in the living room, because it’s better for parents to supervise if they enter sites (even chat rooms) with sex and/or violence. Parents should also discourage minors playing with ‘shoot them all’ (violent) video/ computer games and shouldn’t permit those watching TV movies with sex and/or violence. So kids need surveillance for what they watch, otherwise they will get addicted to violence and sexism.
• Father (or step father) should participate to the raising of his children.
He must avoid ignoring his kids or bullying them and abusing them when they
are naughty. A kid becomes addicted to bulling and abusing when it learns
this kind of behavior from its own parents (or step parents).
• Any unacceptable behavior must be punished, e.g. if a kid swears, or splits or strikes its parents or siblings or is naughty. Parents before punishing them should first warn them bending on their level (without raising their finger) saying with a steady loud voice ‘this behavior (explain witch) is unacceptable (or inappropriate)’. You will take a time out now’. So the kid will go to a specific place e.g. a time out room (not his bedroom), or a couch or a rag (there are rugs that the phrase ‘time out’ is written), or a time out chair or generally a specific place and do not do anything, but wait until 5 minutes elapse. Parents should use a chronometer with alarm. Parents must never use a preventive punishment for a kid and also a parent must not punish again a child that has already been punished by the other parent.
• Parents should agree at the punishment, otherwise they pass the wrong message to the kid and also undermine their mate. Usually mothers tend to give in to their children’s cries, screams and in general their manipulation. Contrary, fathers tend to be stricter in imposing a punishment. There are also other ways of punishment that described above, such as the removal of a privilege (e.g. to watch TV, surf on the internet, play game, go to cinema or for sport) or taking 1 beloved toy and put it in a box with the kid’s name on a label. Parents should never abuse and hit their children (not even slapping their chick or them), or swear or shout to their kids or lock them in their bedroom. Any punishment except the ones mentioned before is unacceptable. Abusing or neglecting a child is also considered as a crime and parents can be prosecuted by the police!
• Parents should avoid kissing their kids on their mouth. It is something
that many do in the United States. In that case, to my mind, kids confuse
a parental behavior with a sexual one...
• A marriage counselor (always a psychologist) may help the couple deal with their problems. When parents’ relationship has problems then it’s difficult to have a proper relationship with their kids. Good relationships between family members ensure family’s serenity.
• Parents should love their kids and show it as well.
• All family members should express their feelings and avoid keeping them inside because when negative feelings are kept, they accumulate and as a consequence the person outbursts with aggressiveness, so things become worst.
• Parents should not give cookies to their kids before they go for sleep.
• Parents should cooperate and agree at the way of raising their children and not undermine each other. Parents should also show the same love for all their children. Usually mother is more attached on her boy and father on his girl.
• Children should respect their parents and their siblings. Parents should
respect their kids as well.
• Excessive aggressiveness of a kid should be controlled and its reasons should be ransacked. Usually parents attitude makes a kid feeling frustrated. Parents abusing, or ignoring or neglecting their children make them act with the same way. These kids tend to react using an unacceptable behavior in order to seek their parents’ attention (and love). Many parents don’t seem to accept this and usually transfer all the responsibilities to their ‘naughty’ kid. Perhaps a child psychologist can help them realize it better that the responsibility is totally their own. Usually a bad behavior of a kid is reactionary in order to gain its parents attention. Kids are not born naughty… Many times kids over attach (end become very spoiled) to their parents because they have insecurity and seek their parents love. Other times they react with a bad behavior with tantrum and violent outbursts for the same reason. A child’s bad behavior creates problems on its relationship with its siblings as well. Many kids need to monopolize their parent’s attention and love and that creates a rival with their siblings.
However, sometimes parents’ behavior is appropriate, but they just never taught their kids to follow some specific rules in a family. When the kids grow up they are more reactionary in following the family rules. However usually they adjust to them soon, if parents adjust to imposing them as well. Even in human societies (from the very beginning) it is impossible not to have rules (that we call law and justice), otherwise people would do whatever they wanted to and become anarchists, so society would become a jungle.
• Parents must impose discipline. They are the boss. Not the kids. They shouldn’t
let the kids be the boss and manipulate them.
• Children should gather their things (e.g. toys) by them self and also help
at house Keeping works. Their mother isn’t a slave to serve them all the time.
Kids should learn to do everything from sweeping to ironing.
• Parents should use positive expressions such as ‘I want you to know that
you are really good’, ‘I am happy you listen’, ‘and you were really amazing’.
• Parents mustn’t leave their children unattended e.g. playing on the street or alone in a swimming pool. Always a reason of a fatal accident is a parent who neglected his/her child and left it unattended!
• Siblings must cooperate as a team in house tiding and games.
• Kids should drink with a feeding bottle for babies. It’s for infants. Replace it with a glass with a straw.
• Parents should not punish a kid that pisses on its bed or sucks its finger
or stutters or wears clothes of opposite sex or follows another kind of ‘strange’
behavior. Punishment usually increases the problem which usually is originated
to the relationship of the kid with its own parents. So, in behavioral problems
parents must always advice a child psychologist or child psychiatrist.
• Children must be polite to their parents. They should never strike or split them, or say bad words. Even when they want a glass of water they should ask it politely ‘Mother, could you bring a glass of water’, instead giving a command ‘Give me a glass of water’. A rude child will become a rude adult.
• Father must be polite and never abuse his wife because the way father treats
to mother (and mother treats father) teaches the way that his children will
treat to their spouse as adults. So someone abuses his wife because he was
raised in a family in which e.g. his drunken father abused his mother. Furthermore,
a neglected or abused by his parents person, may abuse his/her spouse and/or
children in order to subconsciously take revenge for his own abuse or the
fact that he/she was neglected by his/her parents.
• All family members should participate at games such as table games (e.g., monopoly, or ‘trivial pursuit’) or sport. Parents must not exclude any child from the games. Any kind of discrimination is unacceptable.
• When a child talks about its feelings and says e.g. its furious about something, then its parents should say that ‘it’s wonderful that you talk and express your feelings’ encouraging and rewarding it for expressing its self and not keeping its problems inside. Parents should learn to hear their kids. Also, kids are many times possessive, especially if their parents never encouraged them sharing their things (e.g. toys). Generally, children learn the meaning of justice from their parents.
• Rules in family are essential. Kids follow rules in school and later in
life (e.g. in their job). Otherwise, they will become anarchists.
• In conclusion, 4 things are the ‘gold standard’ for serenity in family:
1. Mutual love.
2. Mutual respect.
3. Zero tolerance to any unacceptable behavior.
4. Always rewarding
positive behavior.
P.S.
Actually family psychology does exist, however not with the meaning I imply in
the text.
REFERENCE
Child Abuse and Neglect, p. 886 – 887, Oxford Handbook of General Practice,
C. Simon, H. Everitt, T. Kendrick, 2nd edition, Oxford University Press, 2005.
RECOMMENDED BOOKS
You can find them e.g. at www.amazon.com
1. Nanny 911: Expert advice for all your parenting emergencies, by Deborah
Carroll and Stella Reid, Granada Entertainment USA, 2005.
2. Ask Supernanny: what every parent wants to know, by Jo Frost, 2006.
3. Supernanny: How to get the best from your children, by Jo Frost, 2005.